Saying Goodbye!!

I have avoided this space for quite some days!
Partly because I am not exactly sure how to say what I need to here and partly because in my own mind this space here, my blog, is really an extension of my heart, my home and my life.

I wanted to write about what is happening in our life here, the funny things the children are doing and the everyday life that continues on but I can't ignore the fact that I was not sharing one of the most significant moments that has happened in our lives lately.

Sharing that event here makes it so much more real in my own mind and heart and I so very don't want it to be true, even though I have welcomed the support and love of those who have known both online in my other places and by texts and phone calls.

Even now I have found myself clicking away, avoiding the reality of the situation trying to not let it be said - all finished - with and therefore a record of the pain we have endured as a family these last few days.

I am sure some of you may have guessed by now and I know some already know but sadly, Oh, so very sadly, we have lost our precious little baby that we were so very excited and thrilled to announce not so long ago.

A baby we have longed for, a baby to hold and love, to be part of our day to day living a part of our very beings.
A baby that even though we have known for such a short time has become an intimate part of our lives, such that the loss has changed our family for ever.
So much so that this sorrow has taken hold of our lives, all our lives, the children too and rocked us terribly.

Not only is hard to bear my own pain at the loss of 'what might have been' and all the things I had planned to make and do for our precious baby but it has been hard, so very hard to see and be so helpless at the pain and suffering of our other precious children who had so welcomed this baby into their hearts too already.
Our children already saw this baby as an ongoing part of of their lives. They would say goodnight each night and  pray our goodnight blessing over my tummy.
Each morning I was greeted with a sea of smiling faces not only saying good morning to me but also  to the new baby.
They talked to the baby and prayed for the baby throughout the day.
Yes this baby was truly a part of our lives.

Saying goodbye has never been a strong suit for me, I get teary all the time.
Seeing each of the children say goodbye and grieve in their own personal way has also opened my eyes to the depth of their grief as well.
We (Stephen and I) have received little gifts of notes and pictures of the baby and mummy and Daddy, notes to say how sad they are about the baby dying and we have had many hugs and tears shared together.
Vellvin has shared here and here.
Eden wrote the most beautiful poem and shared it with me.
We have had much love, yes continued love from our dear children as they see me struggle with the loss of our baby.
I can not say how much this means to me the solidarity of love over a shared grief.

I find my self avoiding other people as I am so not ready to deal with the reality of this. I find myself avoiding 'life' by not fully engaging in the here and now- I admit to a fair bit of book reading in an effort to not think about the loss and devastation, that I know awaits me as I surface to real life.

I know there are others who have undergone this tragedy before and many women will again in the future.
In fact we lost another dear soul over 20 years ago!

I am not sure that I truly appreciated that little baby in the way I should have.
I am not sure that I grieved enough for that baby, as I know that I did not have the great support of other like minded and loving people.
I am absolutely sure that I was encouraged to just get on with life, to move on to the next thing and because that was the community I lived in - I did.

Now however through the support of other beautiful mamas I am encouraged to: yes be sad and upset over this event as it is indeed devastating.

I know I did not feel this tremendous tiredness and physical weakness last time that seems to consume me at the moment and I admit it has caught me totally unprepared.
And I know it has nothing to do with my age!
I do know it has to do with the knowledge of how precious and blessed each little baby is and the blessing that I have been given in each of these beautiful gifts from God.

I know it will take some time and I still find difficulty talking about it even with my husband and children.
I know that I love this baby as much as any of our other children and that every time I think of what will never be I start to burst into tears.
Just as well this writing isn't in pen and ink or it would be all smudged :)

Again as I have learned to accept the love and grief (for me and my family) of those around me I pray that I can over time be better at helping my own dear family to accept this part of our lives.

I am so eternally grateful to those dear friends who have taken the time to send me a short note, text or left a comment on those online pages I shared on already.
It is this community of friends that I draw and rely on, not only for this but in other aspects of my life that I have shared  previously.
I do believe these friendships are as real and important as the new IRL friends we have made over the past year as well as the very old and dear friends from previous parts of our lives.

I pray that we will continue to remember the wonderful gift of life we were given even for such a short time in our baby.
Our baby whom we have named Cinnamon Grace - now in heaven but who will live for ever in our hearts.
A treasured gift from God!

Friends shared this verse with me and while I acknowledge the beauty and wisdom of this verse, at the moment it does not ease the pain or sorrow - perhaps over time!

"My Lord, the baby is dead!
Why, my Lord—dare I ask why?
It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face—it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise.

Why, my Lord? “Why, My child—do you ask ‘why’?
Well, I will tell you why.

You see, the child lives.
Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne.
Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty—he sees My face.
He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor.
He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess.

My ways are not the ways of man.
I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another.

He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits.
He has never seen pain or sin.
He has never felt hunger or pain.
I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”
I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love.
I speak as a fool—forgive me.
I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death.
I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity"
. -- Mother M. Angelica

Blessings to you and your homes,