What could have been....

The last couple of days have been a steady diet of  minor, in the grand scheme of things, but still significant  tragedies where various things have gone wrong for us.

Seeing this ornament on our tree today has only served to increase the pain and a cry 'of when will things go right for us again' in my heart.
Reading of others responses in miracles to prayer requests and the knowing of a dear friends imminent arrival of a precious baby is probably not the best way for me to end this particular  day.

Don't get me wrong, while I rejoice in these things and am truly joyful for these events in others lives it does not seem to lesson the longing in my own heart for - not only a precious baby of our own but a relieving of many burdens we have carried for a long time.

I knew this decoration on the tree would be a struggle for me, we only ever but it up when we are expecting  a baby, but the children wanted to put it on as the loss of our Cinnamon is still very close to their hearts and so I think it helps them have her near in this time of rejoicing.

 Every year as we decorate the tree the first decorations to put on after the lights the tinsel and the beads are the individual calico hearts with every one's name on them.

I have made them for each of our children for their first Christmas and we have  had a standard 'baby' one ready for the baby we are expecting the following year after Christmas.

It stands ready in the ornament box for that most blessed event and each time we put it up it is a real joy as we celebrate the birth of our Saviour at Christmas but it also reminds us of the anticipation of our own gift from God in a new life coming to join our family in the near future.

I know that for many the burdens we carry in our family may be small and trivial compared to others but I must admit to being worn down by the many and constant struggles we have been facing for quite some time now.

And so I find myself asking why it continues for us and when it will end?

Today has been a day of many struggles and yet we still have had much joy and I guess I need to focus on that and be thankful for those blessings, but I confess it is difficult and I do pray that the prayers and sacrifices we are making in this season of Advent, which is essentially a mini Lent in the Liturgical year will  for once truly be answered for us.

Having said all that I really do not want to be negative but I do want what I write her to be real, a journal of our family and our lives and so need to put this here as part of that memory making I do, even if it isn't as rosy as I like it to be.

 So as this day comes to an end I wish you all a goodnight, sweet dreams and many blessings and look forward to coming back tomorrow with much  brighter and happier thoughts,

God Bless,
 

It's all I can do..........

Living my life as best  can!! (most of the photos in this post are by one of our younger children but oh so loved because they are real in every way)

Just staying focused on my family.
Appreciating all the special opportunities that come my way each day as I love and care for this family circle I am blessed to be part of.

The butterflies that Arwen catches for me.
Playing endless rounds of  'Old Maid or War' with Moran.
Watching the little ones play as they create new and different games.

Cooking a bit with Myffwyn and just accepting those rambunctious cuddles with Corbyn

Seeing our little chicken hatched and naming him/her "Kidding' because that is Trahaearn's favourite word.

Watching Sherlock with our birthday girl today, 'casue she asked me specially.

Thinking about our Advent plans and how much do we want to commit too.

Snuggling up for a cuddle with those small ones, and middles too who just want to be with me.
How can I say no to that?
Accepting lots of hugs and love from my own dear 'honey' and trying to be generous in my love back.

Still avoiding talking to people about what has happened as we recover from our precious baby loss

Wondering how I will cope tomorrow at Church and 'who will know and what I will say without dissolving into a  puddle of tears'

Taking comfort in the joy of everyday and those most precious loved ones.

It's all I can do......but for now it will have to do!!

Blessings to you and your homes,
 

Saying Goodbye!!

I have avoided this space for quite some days!
Partly because I am not exactly sure how to say what I need to here and partly because in my own mind this space here, my blog, is really an extension of my heart, my home and my life.

I wanted to write about what is happening in our life here, the funny things the children are doing and the everyday life that continues on but I can't ignore the fact that I was not sharing one of the most significant moments that has happened in our lives lately.

Sharing that event here makes it so much more real in my own mind and heart and I so very don't want it to be true, even though I have welcomed the support and love of those who have known both online in my other places and by texts and phone calls.

Even now I have found myself clicking away, avoiding the reality of the situation trying to not let it be said - all finished - with and therefore a record of the pain we have endured as a family these last few days.

I am sure some of you may have guessed by now and I know some already know but sadly, Oh, so very sadly, we have lost our precious little baby that we were so very excited and thrilled to announce not so long ago.

A baby we have longed for, a baby to hold and love, to be part of our day to day living a part of our very beings.
A baby that even though we have known for such a short time has become an intimate part of our lives, such that the loss has changed our family for ever.
So much so that this sorrow has taken hold of our lives, all our lives, the children too and rocked us terribly.

Not only is hard to bear my own pain at the loss of 'what might have been' and all the things I had planned to make and do for our precious baby but it has been hard, so very hard to see and be so helpless at the pain and suffering of our other precious children who had so welcomed this baby into their hearts too already.
Our children already saw this baby as an ongoing part of of their lives. They would say goodnight each night and  pray our goodnight blessing over my tummy.
Each morning I was greeted with a sea of smiling faces not only saying good morning to me but also  to the new baby.
They talked to the baby and prayed for the baby throughout the day.
Yes this baby was truly a part of our lives.

Saying goodbye has never been a strong suit for me, I get teary all the time.
Seeing each of the children say goodbye and grieve in their own personal way has also opened my eyes to the depth of their grief as well.
We (Stephen and I) have received little gifts of notes and pictures of the baby and mummy and Daddy, notes to say how sad they are about the baby dying and we have had many hugs and tears shared together.
Vellvin has shared here and here.
Eden wrote the most beautiful poem and shared it with me.
We have had much love, yes continued love from our dear children as they see me struggle with the loss of our baby.
I can not say how much this means to me the solidarity of love over a shared grief.

I find my self avoiding other people as I am so not ready to deal with the reality of this. I find myself avoiding 'life' by not fully engaging in the here and now- I admit to a fair bit of book reading in an effort to not think about the loss and devastation, that I know awaits me as I surface to real life.

I know there are others who have undergone this tragedy before and many women will again in the future.
In fact we lost another dear soul over 20 years ago!

I am not sure that I truly appreciated that little baby in the way I should have.
I am not sure that I grieved enough for that baby, as I know that I did not have the great support of other like minded and loving people.
I am absolutely sure that I was encouraged to just get on with life, to move on to the next thing and because that was the community I lived in - I did.

Now however through the support of other beautiful mamas I am encouraged to: yes be sad and upset over this event as it is indeed devastating.

I know I did not feel this tremendous tiredness and physical weakness last time that seems to consume me at the moment and I admit it has caught me totally unprepared.
And I know it has nothing to do with my age!
I do know it has to do with the knowledge of how precious and blessed each little baby is and the blessing that I have been given in each of these beautiful gifts from God.

I know it will take some time and I still find difficulty talking about it even with my husband and children.
I know that I love this baby as much as any of our other children and that every time I think of what will never be I start to burst into tears.
Just as well this writing isn't in pen and ink or it would be all smudged :)

Again as I have learned to accept the love and grief (for me and my family) of those around me I pray that I can over time be better at helping my own dear family to accept this part of our lives.

I am so eternally grateful to those dear friends who have taken the time to send me a short note, text or left a comment on those online pages I shared on already.
It is this community of friends that I draw and rely on, not only for this but in other aspects of my life that I have shared  previously.
I do believe these friendships are as real and important as the new IRL friends we have made over the past year as well as the very old and dear friends from previous parts of our lives.

I pray that we will continue to remember the wonderful gift of life we were given even for such a short time in our baby.
Our baby whom we have named Cinnamon Grace - now in heaven but who will live for ever in our hearts.
A treasured gift from God!

Friends shared this verse with me and while I acknowledge the beauty and wisdom of this verse, at the moment it does not ease the pain or sorrow - perhaps over time!

"My Lord, the baby is dead!
Why, my Lord—dare I ask why?
It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face—it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise.

Why, my Lord? “Why, My child—do you ask ‘why’?
Well, I will tell you why.

You see, the child lives.
Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne.
Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty—he sees My face.
He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor.
He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess.

My ways are not the ways of man.
I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another.

He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits.
He has never seen pain or sin.
He has never felt hunger or pain.
I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”
I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love.
I speak as a fool—forgive me.
I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death.
I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity"
. -- Mother M. Angelica

Blessings to you and your homes,