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Saturday, December 7, 2013
What could have been....
Seeing this ornament on our tree today has only served to increase the pain and a cry 'of when will things go right for us again' in my heart.
Reading of others responses in miracles to prayer requests and the knowing of a dear friends imminent arrival of a precious baby is probably not the best way for me to end this particular day.
Don't get me wrong, while I rejoice in these things and am truly joyful for these events in others lives it does not seem to lesson the longing in my own heart for - not only a precious baby of our own but a relieving of many burdens we have carried for a long time.
I knew this decoration on the tree would be a struggle for me, we only ever but it up when we are expecting a baby, but the children wanted to put it on as the loss of our Cinnamon is still very close to their hearts and so I think it helps them have her near in this time of rejoicing.
Every year as we decorate the tree the first decorations to put on after the lights the tinsel and the beads are the individual calico hearts with every one's name on them.
I have made them for each of our children for their first Christmas and we have had a standard 'baby' one ready for the baby we are expecting the following year after Christmas.
It stands ready in the ornament box for that most blessed event and each time we put it up it is a real joy as we celebrate the birth of our Saviour at Christmas but it also reminds us of the anticipation of our own gift from God in a new life coming to join our family in the near future.
I know that for many the burdens we carry in our family may be small and trivial compared to others but I must admit to being worn down by the many and constant struggles we have been facing for quite some time now.
And so I find myself asking why it continues for us and when it will end?
Today has been a day of many struggles and yet we still have had much joy and I guess I need to focus on that and be thankful for those blessings, but I confess it is difficult and I do pray that the prayers and sacrifices we are making in this season of Advent, which is essentially a mini Lent in the Liturgical year will for once truly be answered for us.
Having said all that I really do not want to be negative but I do want what I write her to be real, a journal of our family and our lives and so need to put this here as part of that memory making I do, even if it isn't as rosy as I like it to be.
So as this day comes to an end I wish you all a goodnight, sweet dreams and many blessings and look forward to coming back tomorrow with much brighter and happier thoughts,