Saturday, December 7, 2013

What could have been....

The last couple of days have been a steady diet of  minor, in the grand scheme of things, but still significant  tragedies where various things have gone wrong for us.

Seeing this ornament on our tree today has only served to increase the pain and a cry 'of when will things go right for us again' in my heart.
Reading of others responses in miracles to prayer requests and the knowing of a dear friends imminent arrival of a precious baby is probably not the best way for me to end this particular  day.

Don't get me wrong, while I rejoice in these things and am truly joyful for these events in others lives it does not seem to lesson the longing in my own heart for - not only a precious baby of our own but a relieving of many burdens we have carried for a long time.

I knew this decoration on the tree would be a struggle for me, we only ever but it up when we are expecting  a baby, but the children wanted to put it on as the loss of our Cinnamon is still very close to their hearts and so I think it helps them have her near in this time of rejoicing.

 Every year as we decorate the tree the first decorations to put on after the lights the tinsel and the beads are the individual calico hearts with every one's name on them.

I have made them for each of our children for their first Christmas and we have  had a standard 'baby' one ready for the baby we are expecting the following year after Christmas.

It stands ready in the ornament box for that most blessed event and each time we put it up it is a real joy as we celebrate the birth of our Saviour at Christmas but it also reminds us of the anticipation of our own gift from God in a new life coming to join our family in the near future.

I know that for many the burdens we carry in our family may be small and trivial compared to others but I must admit to being worn down by the many and constant struggles we have been facing for quite some time now.

And so I find myself asking why it continues for us and when it will end?

Today has been a day of many struggles and yet we still have had much joy and I guess I need to focus on that and be thankful for those blessings, but I confess it is difficult and I do pray that the prayers and sacrifices we are making in this season of Advent, which is essentially a mini Lent in the Liturgical year will  for once truly be answered for us.

Having said all that I really do not want to be negative but I do want what I write her to be real, a journal of our family and our lives and so need to put this here as part of that memory making I do, even if it isn't as rosy as I like it to be.

 So as this day comes to an end I wish you all a goodnight, sweet dreams and many blessings and look forward to coming back tomorrow with much  brighter and happier thoughts,

God Bless,


Unknown said...

Oh dear friend! You are not alone! I am so sorry! I don't think anything can erase the pain and the longing - we still long for our little one we lost 4 years ago! Though peace does come, the tears are still there and the empty arms. I am praying for you - for comfort, for peace. I send hugs your way.

MamiaS said...


I'm keeping you and your family in my prayers. I know that feeling sort of -- not from losing a child but from the child that never happened. I still remember vividly the hurt and reaction I had when I found out my sister-in-law was expecting almost 9 years ago. (My niece will be 8 on Christmas day). She came as a total surprise as my sister-in-law's youngest was 12 at the time. I cried all the way home from their house when they told us. So my heart is with you and I know one thing -- God is using your feelings to reach others :0) Again, I will keep you and your family in my prayers - I'm sorry that you are experiencing other challenges as well - it does seem like it all comes at once doesn't it sometimes.


Vellvin said...

Mummy, I'm here for you. <3 <3

Erin said...

Gae{{{}} Do know you are in my continued thoughts and prayers dear friend. {{{}}}

Sue Elvis said...


I am so sorry you are suffering. It's a hard time for you and your family. I am praying.

God bless!

Gae said...

Thank you all ♥
It's lovely to know you care and pray for us

Unknown said...

So sorry for your loss. I lost my little one almost a year ago on the 13th of this month and I hung an ornament on the tree for her last year. It was hard to see, but it felt validating to have it there, and that her name was a part of our Christmas celebration.


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