Saying Goodbye!!

I have avoided this space for quite some days!
Partly because I am not exactly sure how to say what I need to here and partly because in my own mind this space here, my blog, is really an extension of my heart, my home and my life.

I wanted to write about what is happening in our life here, the funny things the children are doing and the everyday life that continues on but I can't ignore the fact that I was not sharing one of the most significant moments that has happened in our lives lately.

Sharing that event here makes it so much more real in my own mind and heart and I so very don't want it to be true, even though I have welcomed the support and love of those who have known both online in my other places and by texts and phone calls.

Even now I have found myself clicking away, avoiding the reality of the situation trying to not let it be said - all finished - with and therefore a record of the pain we have endured as a family these last few days.

I am sure some of you may have guessed by now and I know some already know but sadly, Oh, so very sadly, we have lost our precious little baby that we were so very excited and thrilled to announce not so long ago.

A baby we have longed for, a baby to hold and love, to be part of our day to day living a part of our very beings.
A baby that even though we have known for such a short time has become an intimate part of our lives, such that the loss has changed our family for ever.
So much so that this sorrow has taken hold of our lives, all our lives, the children too and rocked us terribly.

Not only is hard to bear my own pain at the loss of 'what might have been' and all the things I had planned to make and do for our precious baby but it has been hard, so very hard to see and be so helpless at the pain and suffering of our other precious children who had so welcomed this baby into their hearts too already.
Our children already saw this baby as an ongoing part of of their lives. They would say goodnight each night and  pray our goodnight blessing over my tummy.
Each morning I was greeted with a sea of smiling faces not only saying good morning to me but also  to the new baby.
They talked to the baby and prayed for the baby throughout the day.
Yes this baby was truly a part of our lives.

Saying goodbye has never been a strong suit for me, I get teary all the time.
Seeing each of the children say goodbye and grieve in their own personal way has also opened my eyes to the depth of their grief as well.
We (Stephen and I) have received little gifts of notes and pictures of the baby and mummy and Daddy, notes to say how sad they are about the baby dying and we have had many hugs and tears shared together.
Vellvin has shared here and here.
Eden wrote the most beautiful poem and shared it with me.
We have had much love, yes continued love from our dear children as they see me struggle with the loss of our baby.
I can not say how much this means to me the solidarity of love over a shared grief.

I find my self avoiding other people as I am so not ready to deal with the reality of this. I find myself avoiding 'life' by not fully engaging in the here and now- I admit to a fair bit of book reading in an effort to not think about the loss and devastation, that I know awaits me as I surface to real life.

I know there are others who have undergone this tragedy before and many women will again in the future.
In fact we lost another dear soul over 20 years ago!

I am not sure that I truly appreciated that little baby in the way I should have.
I am not sure that I grieved enough for that baby, as I know that I did not have the great support of other like minded and loving people.
I am absolutely sure that I was encouraged to just get on with life, to move on to the next thing and because that was the community I lived in - I did.

Now however through the support of other beautiful mamas I am encouraged to: yes be sad and upset over this event as it is indeed devastating.

I know I did not feel this tremendous tiredness and physical weakness last time that seems to consume me at the moment and I admit it has caught me totally unprepared.
And I know it has nothing to do with my age!
I do know it has to do with the knowledge of how precious and blessed each little baby is and the blessing that I have been given in each of these beautiful gifts from God.

I know it will take some time and I still find difficulty talking about it even with my husband and children.
I know that I love this baby as much as any of our other children and that every time I think of what will never be I start to burst into tears.
Just as well this writing isn't in pen and ink or it would be all smudged :)

Again as I have learned to accept the love and grief (for me and my family) of those around me I pray that I can over time be better at helping my own dear family to accept this part of our lives.

I am so eternally grateful to those dear friends who have taken the time to send me a short note, text or left a comment on those online pages I shared on already.
It is this community of friends that I draw and rely on, not only for this but in other aspects of my life that I have shared  previously.
I do believe these friendships are as real and important as the new IRL friends we have made over the past year as well as the very old and dear friends from previous parts of our lives.

I pray that we will continue to remember the wonderful gift of life we were given even for such a short time in our baby.
Our baby whom we have named Cinnamon Grace - now in heaven but who will live for ever in our hearts.
A treasured gift from God!

Friends shared this verse with me and while I acknowledge the beauty and wisdom of this verse, at the moment it does not ease the pain or sorrow - perhaps over time!

"My Lord, the baby is dead!
Why, my Lord—dare I ask why?
It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face—it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise.

Why, my Lord? “Why, My child—do you ask ‘why’?
Well, I will tell you why.

You see, the child lives.
Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne.
Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty—he sees My face.
He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor.
He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess.

My ways are not the ways of man.
I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another.

He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits.
He has never seen pain or sin.
He has never felt hunger or pain.
I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”
I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love.
I speak as a fool—forgive me.
I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death.
I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity"
. -- Mother M. Angelica

Blessings to you and your homes,
 

A New Life!!!

How to start this post? Why not straight out?

We are expecting a new precious little baby to be welcomed into our family around mid June next year.

While I have shared this news with some of my other on line community of friends I have delayed sharing it here.
I'm not really sure why that is really, as it really is the best and loveliest news we have had in a long while.

In fact I am told by some that they really did not expect to hear this sweet news again and so they are even more delighted to be able anticipating this new baby.

Truly we are once again so very thankful for the gift of a baby into our family.
We do view each and every child we are given as a gift from God.
We do believe that God alone is responsible for opening and closing the womb.
Even as we/you pray for or against a new child it is God who ultimately decides, and let me tell you it had been difficult to think that our prayers had not been answered as we constantly leave our selves open to the blessings of  new life and to not seem to have them answered.

Indeed perhaps that along with other reflections I have recently on our older children leaving home and the new dynamics that happen within a family as this happens that has helped me to reconnect with how quickly time passes  and how our lives change so very quickly.

It has made me in a way speechless in how I am unable to share how much this little baby means to us.
I really cannot convey the joy and peace we have about this precious little life (lives) with which we have been entrusted but I can tell you form the bottom of my heart how very very thankful and full of love I am for this privileged of once again becoming a mama.

Now just for your interest we still have children who are praying for twins (or more in the case of much smaller ones who have no idea of what they are ACTUALLY  asking)
We have never had twins before and as a single baby would result in an odd number of boys and girls (we have 6 of each) some of the children think a boy and girl twin would do just nicely thank you very much!

For my part I have always wanted twins (which is why my oldest daughter says I wont get any) but I also recognise the hard work involved in such a gift.
So until we actually have an ultrasound I think the general consensus is to still be praying for twins :)

Blessings to you and your homes,
 

Prayers for our Baby's Birth

Hi Mummy's Blogging Friends,

This is Autumn filling in for Mummy and asking  for your prayers tomorrow as Mummy goes to hospital to have our little brother or sister.

They will start induction at 7am our time Monday morning which is about 8 hours from now.
Prayers for a quick and safe delivery for Mummy and our baby would be much appreciated.

I will keep you up todate with detaails as we get them in the morning

Thank you so much

Autumn and siblings

Patience v's Waiting

Patience is such a wonderful virtue isn't it?

Well I guess it does depend on your perspective.
Sometimes I think I am a very patient person and at other times I KNOW I am not.

Obviously waiting for this new little dumpling to arrive has been a continued effort in patience for me. However I find  that as I am able to overcome the waiting most days the fact some of those those dearest to me, the children are even less patient than I.

After my Dr visit yesterday and the news that we had been expecting (due to a previous Dr on Monday) that we would be meeting our little one on Friday (today if he or she had not arrived) the news of this new date 23rd May was quite unsettling to the children especially.

So my pondering thoughts on this and patience is: that even if we ourselves can be patient it is often harder for those around  us who are anticipating  a much looked forward event that this can then lead to anxiety and impatience. Which in turn can re-alter our own perspective.

Also I think there is a difference between waiting and waiting patiently!!!

Sometimes I also think this is not just the virtue of patience but the value we have placed on the thing we are waiting for.

The more intensly you desire the event/ item to arrive the more store you place upon this. This is where it is harder to have faith that God is control of all situations and that at the right time all will happen.

It is these situations that can be so devestating when it doen't happen when we are expecting it to. Over the last couple of years we have experienced this over and over, and it is hard not to become despondent when a new opportunity arrises and then does not progress to completion.

Patience is an everyday life goal, not daily even sometimes but hourly.

I know that it is the more these event/items that I have more trouble with.

I think over the years I have become more patient with those everyday situations of dealing with children and the life style we have. The little things I can give to God to help me with.

It is the major events in our lives I have trouble handing over, usually because I want them so much, not just for me but for our family as well.

So for the last few days of this pregnancy I will try to leave it in God's hands and be faithful to that, and in my own way help those special anxious brothers and sisters to be  reach that place too.

Blessings to you and your homes,

Preparing for Baby...............

Well what can I say?
Life is all about the new baby arriving soon in our home.
With the arrival of our baby imminent, I have been trying to get the new-born baby clothes washed and ready.

As we don't know if our baby is a boy or girl this actually limits what I can prepare ahead of time.
So all the little items to go to hospital are white, except for the bunny-rugs of which I have a mix of boy and girl ones.

These are the coming home from hospital clothes are the same ones we have always brought our little babies home in, starting with Kynan nearly 22 years ago. He wore the little jacket and bonnet but not the gown which we have had since Braedon.
I know lots of people today dress their little baby boys in very boy clothes, but we always dress them in little nighties at home and special gowns for church on Sunday's until they are older.

These are a couple of my nighties and my dressing gown. I adore these very long and feminine gowns. I am probably the only person in hospital who still wears night wear after the baby is born. Most of the ladies I see wear track pants etc.
But I love the feminine appeal of these and think they are much more lovely to be wearing, especially for  a new mummy and baby.
I nearly always get positive comments from the nursing staff on this which I think is my bid for the 'mummy of many can still be pretty and dress attractively'.
Just in case anyone wonders I don't just wear these in hospital but also at home along with the others I own as well.

This is the little baby's cradle all washed and ready with fresh linen on awaiting the precious bundle to come home. We have also had this since Braedon was born and I made the quilt and skirting just before Eden was born.

This is the area in our bedroom that the baby sleeps in. Right next to the bookcase, just so the baby can lap up the literature there and with a chair for night time feeding or escape from the noise and attention of the other children☺

I just thought I would include this picture of me and my baby tummy for those of us mummy's who like to know how others look at different phases. So this is me at 38+ weeks.

As you may guess we are very excited to be welcoming this special gift into our home soon. Apart from the various discomforts that I am having it is still going well and we are all very impatient to meet a little angel.

Oh and yes I think, yes unless Stephen changes his mind again,that we now have both a boy and a girls name ready.

So I will just plug along with the last few craft projects I am working on to welcome our baby and try to get the rest that helps me, even though I feel very lazy indeed.
Once again the blessings of wonderful and helpful older children.....thank you my darlings, once again I know how much I am blessed at these times.

Blessings to you and your homes,

Pregnancy Update!

I thought I might give those of you who are asking and praying for our little one an update.

As a pre cursor I am actually very well and have only bouts of tiredness (hence the lack of blogging sometimes) and sometimes a bit of nausea. Our older/middle children often help me to have a little rest by playing with the little ones and doing a bit for me than usual. This is a great help and blessing to me and I am very, very grateful to them.

Today I had some blood tests done including a glucose tolerance test. My blood test was not done very well with a resulting cut, rather than a pin prick that resulted from the technician moving the needle around trying to get the blood she needed.

I also had an ultrasound that was  a bit disappointing. First I could not actually see the screen and then the CD I was given with the pictures did not actually work when I got home so I still don't know anything. I need to ring them tomorrow and see about a replacement. I was interested to see the 'new and improved' due date that I am sure will be on the disk.

This is an on going struggle I have with Dr's and radiologist each pregnancy. Even though I KNOW when my due date is I am always told that it is wrong because of the ultrasound dates, which if I have more than one is never the same anyway, which leads to the obvious question, why don't they go with my dates anyway. And of course this leads to more conjecture on what we should do too as the dates become closer!

I just can't see why they insist that every baby is the same weight at a certain age especially when every woman does not have the same size baby. You will never convince me on this one!

I also saw the Doctor at the ante-Natal clinic at our local hospital. All ante-natal is done through the clinic, there is no 'see your own specialist obstetrician' here.
Of course this was to assess if I was able to continue going to the midwife clinic or the registrar clinic or to the Doctor clinic. Guess which one I get to go to?

Yep!! The Doctor clinic because I am , yes I am going to say it, yes 'high risk,' not because of any medical reason but simply I have had 11 babies. Our babies are not huge babies and in fact we have yet to have over an 8lb baby yet. I am well during pregnancy and do not have problems, I also do not have any problems at birth. So why all this fuss over supposed high risk? Oh and for the record I have been high risk since Rogan.

I believe Dr's today just aren't used to seeing women with more than a few babies and so are not sure how to actually care for mothers of larger families. O They are not comfortable with this because our society does not condone large families and we are seen as the 'not normal' rather than, this is obviously a normal family, loving and accepting each and every child.
Or perhaps they are more worried about insurances etc if something does go wrong!
Every so often you have a DR who is not taken aback when you tell him how many children you have, but usually this is a Dr from developing nations or a few from Ireland we have seen, not in an ant- natal case though.. more is the pity.

I had my booking in appointment last week as I tend not to go until I really need to. I just find the constant appointments of routine blood pressure etc a time waster. Of course getting a referral to go to the clinic was a major issue for me. I object going to the GP to get a referral and paying the $80 to get it, to actually be able to go to the hospital, the public hospital as a public patient, and to be allowed the privilege of having your baby at the hospital.
This is one of my 'hot buttons' at the moment too.

However I wish to say I am thankful for the fact that our baby is well, that I do have problem free pregnancies and that we are looking forward to meeting our sweet one relatively soon.

Based on the relative closeness of our baby's arrival I think we really should start looking for names. This is an interesting task for us as we have a few criteria that must be met for our children's names. Of course this makes it more challenging after 11 children (we choose both boy and girl names as we don't find out the sex of our babies) as we have to look at new names, if we can find them, or reconsider some of the old favourites again.

Well I had best get to bed this (early morning) staying up to watch a movie does not give as good a rest as I need. Thank you again for those people who are praying for the health of our baby and me, we are so thankful for your gift of prayer.
Goodnight to you all!

Blessings to you and your homes,

Lo, Children are an Heritage of the Lord

Lo, children are an inheritance from Jehovah, and the fruit of the womb a reward -Psalm 127:3
As arrows in the hand of the mighty, so the children of them that have been shaken- 127.4
Blessed is the man that hath filled the desire with them; he shall not be confounded when he shall speak to his enemies in the gate - 127.5

These are some of my favourite  bible verses. They rank up along with Palm 128:3 -Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine in the inner part of thy house; thy children like olive-plants round about thy table.

I love how it shows the value God places on children. How children are such a part of a family. That we can receive these blessings from him, if we would allow him to give us a gift so wonderful that our hearts fill with such immense love for that child and the God who creates ALL life.

Stephen and I have been open to the gift of children for so long and God has blessed us with our wonderful and gifted children. We have even had the gift of a child that was not able to be a part of our family here on earth but is with our Lord in heaven.

I know some of you may know where I am leading with this AND~
YES we have been blessed with another baby.

We are expecting our baby in May 2011.

Why are you sharing so early some of you may ask?

Why, well why not?

Because we are SO VERY, VERY, VERY EXCITED.

We have prayed for another sweet little one to bless our family and God has answered our prayers. Because we do believe that God is the one in control of  how many children we have. Our children are his children and we are so blessed that he would allow us to raise these children to glorify and worship Him.

Even if we are willing to have more children it is God who DECIDES whether will will have another one. This can be a hard road to take as it doesn't always mean that just because we pray and are open that God answers how WE WANT him to.

So our baby is an answer to prayer and we want to share our joy with others.

After all if we had won a million dollars we would  share that good news with others and a baby from God is a WHOLE lot better than a million dollars now isn't it?

Blessings to you and your homes,